16 unlikely cryptocurrency predictions for 2020

The crypto stories that probably won’t happen next year… or will they?

By crypto and blockchain standards, 2019 was something of an uneventful year. All manner of crazy announcements were made in 2018 which had lead to crypto prices soaring and then crashing. In 2019, not so much.

So what will happen in 2020?

Fortunately, we have peered into the currency.com crystal ball. In a bid to keep you prepared for any eventuality, we have come up with 16 cryptocurrency predictions for 2020, which might just happen but sadly probably won’t...

1 Satoshi Nakamoto unveiled...

In 2020 the elusive founder of Bitcoin is finally unveiled. In a ceremony akin to the end of an episode of Scooby Doo a mask will be ripped off a face to reveal quiet Nebraskan pensioner Donald Jones. “I thought it would be a bit of a giggle,” Jones will tell the BBC. “I didn't think anyone would take the idea of cryptocurrency seriously.” Jones will reveal that he has a few thousand Bitcoin lurking on an old MacBook that he can’t find but will add, sobbing, that it is “no biggie.”

2 Yet counter Satoshi Nakamoto claims will emerge

Within minutes of the unmasking, a rash of other individuals will also announce that they too are Satoshi Nakamoto. iPresident Putin of Russia will rubbish Jones’s claims insisting that he is Satoshi and that Bitcoin has been his best-ever wheeze to undermine western economies. This will be hotly disputed by UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson who will argue that the proof that he is Satoshi Nakamoto was featured in the Conservative party election manifesto in 2019, a “fact” that will be repeated 17 times in an interview later that day given by the Tory chancellor Sajid Javid.

3 Bitcoin release actual coin

The custodians of the Bitcoin protocol will opt for a huge swivel and launch a real world actual coin. “All this faffing about with hot wallets and stuff is so annoying and unnecessary,” a spokesperson will say. “We think that just like people love records again we need to go old school, and mint some proper currency. How cool will it be take your proper Bitcoin coins into a shop and physically pass them over to the person behind the counter? We are keeping it real!”

4 Bitcoin will ink mining deal with Pokemon Go!

The move to an actual coin will follow a tie-in that the Bitcoin custodians will agree with the makers of Pokemon Go! “All this mining with supercomputers is getting very tiresome,” a spokesperson will say. “We think that having people running round urban car parks to catch coins with augmented reality optimised phones is a load more fun.”

5 Facebook announces Libra launch date

The tech giant will finally announce a launch date for its cryptocurrency, but it won’t be in circulation until 2030. “We are taking it slow and steady,” company CEO Mark Zuckerberg will say. “Admittedly we have had a few issues to iron out but we are confident that Libra will be the talk of the crypto world come the end of this decade, or maybe the one after.” The announcement will follow a Coin Telegraph investigation which will discover that Libra is now down to two founding partners, one of whom is Mark Zuckerberg’s mum.

6 Amazon responds to Facebook’s Libra with the Scorpio coin

In summer Jeff Bezos is likely to confirm that Amazon will debut its cryptocurrency, the Scorpio, later in the year. “We pretty much control everything else in the world,” Bezos will say, “so we might as well have the global currency too. I do think Zuck is on to something. Naming your crypto after a sign of the zodiac is a genius idea.” Bezos will also admit that he wanted to call the coin Taurus and be ultra bullish but apparently “Tik Tok had snapped that one up first for its coin.” As for coin mining, Amazon Prime subscribers will get free Scorps each time they manage to watch an entire episode of The Grand Tour without swearing at Jeremy Clarkson.

7 The US goes crypto crazy

In a stunning volte face we predict that will come at the end of the year, the US government will go crypto crazy and throw its newly created ICO/blockchain/crypto regulations out of the window. The move will follow President Trump’s attempt to issue an ICO so he can crowdfund a wall with Mexico using his new cryptocurrency Trumpcoin. Trump will also close the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) moving the entire team to manage a mid-sized accountancy firm in Blackfoot, Idaho.

8 China still won’t be able to make its mind up about Bitcoin

The biggest rise and fall of Bitcoin ever will happen in the summer after Chinese President Xi Jinping issues his key speech on all things blockchain. “The world is blockchain and China is going to lead the way by creating a massive new infrastructure for the technology,” Xi Jinping will tell the media. This will send Bitcoin prices soaring to a record $20k in seconds. “Got you there suckers!” he will add a few seconds later, while the entire Chinese cabinet fall about laughing. Bitcoin will then fall to just $5k.

9 Bitcoin conference where everyone agrees with each other

A long shot, I know, but this could be the year that we see a Bitcoin conference where everyone is civil and is generally respectful of each other’s points of view. The London conference, which will feature scowling ex-Goldman Sachs analysts in expensive business suits rubbing shoulders with cowboy hatted mavericks with inappropriate facial hair, will conclude that Bitcoin might rise a bit this year, but maybe not. They will also agree that crypto is “just a bit of fun for investors bored with commodities” and that Boris Johnson is indeed Satoshi Nakamoto.

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10 EU attempts to launch stablecoin

After a year of being shuttled around various Brussels committee rooms the EU will confirm it is going to launch its own stablecoin at the end of 2020. The coin will be available to individuals in any country across the globe, except the UK. The big sticking point will be the coin’s name with French President Macron favouring the Franc while Angela Merkel will say that the Mark has a nice ring to it. Eventually, in an inspired form of passive aggression, they will settle for calling it the Farage.

11 Telegram owners admit we did the ICO so we could live off the interest

2020 will be the year that the Telegram messaging system founders the Durov brothers finally come clean about their ICO. “We knew that in the US the SEC could hammer us and that we would end up in court,” CEO Pavel Durov will admit. “However we are not stupid. When all those people bought the coins using fiat rather than crypto we shoved all the cash in a nice, very low profile Swiss bank. We might have to give the money back, but have you done the maths on two years 5 per cent annual interest on $1.7bn?” The brothers will then invest the cash sensibly by buying a failing English Championship football team.

12 Brexit does not affect Bitcoin shock

In a surprising move, which will leave whitehall mandarins in London completely dumbfounded, the ongoing saga of the UK’s exit from the EU will have absolutely no impact on the price of Bitcoin. “We thought that once Brexit happened that Bitcoin would plummet and that we could launch our own coin, the Boris, under WTO rules,” someone familiar with the matter will say. “But Bitcoin is proving remarkably resilient to the UK’s withdrawal from Europe, which completely baffles us.”

13 In the UK Labour moves for real Bitcoin mining

At some point in the year, the defeated Jeremy Corbyn will tell a rally in Stockton on Tees that “Bitcoin mining is the future. Just think we have all those pits across the north-east, Wales and the Midlands primed and ready for Bitcoin mining. They used to be good for coal, but I am sure there’s Bitcoin lurking down there too. It could be a new industrial revolution for the UK.” At which point tech-savvy John McDonnell will intervene, apologise and send Jeremy home with a book of poems by Chilean Marxists for company.

14 Bitcoin mining will nearly bankrupt Iceland

At some point in 2020 the Icelandic government will ban Bitcoin mining as the power surges required to run all those supercomputers, keep sending the Reykjavik street lights dark. “I know there’s not a lot to do in Iceland in the cold winter months as it is so dark,” a spokesperson will say. “But can't the population just write Scandi noir novels and TV series instead? That has worked wonders for the Danish GDP, we should try it here.”

15 Ethereum finishes year on the same price

In a move that will surprise absolutely no one Ethereum will finish the year on roughly the same price as it did 2019. “Ethereum is the most boring cryptocurrency ever,” leading crypto blogger BitcoinPunk will proclaim. “No matter what they do it trundles along at the same price. I prefer cryptos with value arcs that mimic my Mohican haircut,” he will add. “Much more fun.”

16 Bitcoin price to rise to $1m in five years

A committee of Estonia crypto experts will at some point in 2020 confirm that the price of Bitcoin will hit $1m in five years. “I know people have been saying this since 2016,” their spokesperson will say. “But this time it is going to happen. If not we can just keep moving the five year predictions forward a year.” Satoshi Nakamoto will be unavailable for comment.

So that’s our crypto predictions for 2020. What are yours?

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